atoms into suns

Since my oldest child got to the age where discipline was necessary and limits were constantly being tested, I've been trying to figure out just how to do it. How do you convince a child that climbing up the bookshelf isn't cool? Kids don't care that you're worried they'll fall off and crack their head open; they just know that you're taking away their fun. We want our kids to have adventurous spirits, of course. We want them to climb mountains and travel to strange places and test their limits, but at the same time, we're parents who don't want our kids to get hurt. I'm still trying to find the balance between being overprotective and not protecting enough. I know that will last for as long as I live, and I'm sure all parents go through the same thing.

So, how do we discipline? We don't hit, period. I really try not to yell, but when you have to pull the kid off the shelf for the fifth time in an hour, it's tough to control the frustration. I try to put it in perspective, walk off and take some deep breaths, and then come back to explain why I'm so insistent and upset about this. But sometimes it's hard to reason with preschoolers.

Don't get me wrong; I have absolutely wonderful kids. I marvel at how great they are, how sweet and considerate and radiant and kind. I try to put it in perspective -- if the biggest complaints I have are about climbing shelves, making messes, and making noise when the baby's sleeping, we're doing pretty well. Nevertheless, there are times when discipline is necessary.

I've been thinking about this issue a lot lately. Then last weekend I went to a workshop on "Domestic Violence and the Baha'i Community", which covered the whole range of domestic violence, including violence toward children. One of the things that struck me most is that the definition of domestic violence is far more broad by Baha'i standards than by current legal, if not societal, standards. The list goes on for nearly two full pages and includes everything from physical and verbal abuse to economic abuse, neglect, corrupting, coercion, isolation, even "creating dirt, disorder and filth in the living environment" and breaking and throwing things. Belittling and yelling at children are, of course, on the list.

A couple of the quotes from the materials:

It is not, however, permissible to strike a child, or vilify him, for the child's character will be totally perverted if he be subjected to blows or verbal abuse.

--'Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, pg. 125

[The principle of the oneness of mankind] calls for a fundamental change in the manner in which people relate to each other, and the eradication of those age-old practices which deny the intrinsic human right of every individual to be treated with consideration and respect.

--Letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice on the subject of domestic violence, January 24, 1993

I think it's common to treat children as less deserving of our consideration and respect. It's easy to forget that discipline and guidance must be done respectfully and with loving-kindness rather than with frustration or even disdain or vengefulness.

I guess, after writing this out and letting it roll around my brain a bit, that discipline simply needs to be done with detachment -- the recognition that the child is testing limits rather than acting out of disrespect -- and loving guidance. Seems so simple. The detachment, I need to work on.

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